If this is the Guardian’s review, I can’t wait to hear Kermode’s.

Film continues, persists, drags on. Wonder about Julia Roberts’s hair, wonder about Julia Roberts’s teeth, wonder about permanence of Julia Roberts’s reported conversion to Hinduism. Click light-pen on, click light-pen off, click light-pen on. Eat crisps noisily, pray for more crisps, love crisps. Munch, munch, munch. Munch, munch, suddenly stop munching when fellow critic hisses “Sshhh!

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