How I very nearly moved myself to tears with my own genius | The Critics | Architects Journal

MONDAY. I’ve been asked by the Church Commissioners to rationalise their property portfolio, again.

I did all this once before in the 1980s with my two-stage ‘ecclesiastical investment vision’. It was swiftly and ruthlessly implemented. My first vision proposition was to monetise the Church of England’s premium units – St Paul’s Cathedral, for instance – by charging all atheists an entrance fee. 

My second vision proposition was to sell any valuable space adjoining these premium units – Paternoster Square, say – to dead-eyed, bloodsucking commercial philistine bastards. Correction: to forward-looking urbanist developers seeking an appropriate architectural style and prepared to listen to all voices in the public debate, especially those weird, high-pitched voices inside the Prince of Wales’ head squeaking on about ‘homeopathic Classicism’ and ‘the humane curve’.

But now what? Today all the good sites formerly under Anglican purview are owned by hedge funds, or Wahhabist playboys. I need a five-point plan by the end of the week.

Do I need to add anything?


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